


Hold On

by JehBeeEh



Series: Ahead by a Century [32]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, I'm not a doctor, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Tony Stark, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is the best husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-22 06:23:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22411465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JehBeeEh/pseuds/JehBeeEh
Summary: “Steve, sweetheart, you’re ok. Everything is fine. I love you so so much.” Tony whispered in his ear as he held him in his arms, rocking gently back and forth, as they sat on the kitchen floor. “It's ok, baby, I’m right here. Not going anywhere. Love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, you know that? We've got this, okay, love? Everything will be fine. I promise, we are going to get through this. I’ve got you. I will always be there for you.”
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Ahead by a Century [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514069
Comments: 30
Kudos: 177





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so this one is interesting. For context on where this came from, this Jan. 29 it is Let's Talk day in Canada: a day to encourage open discussions on mental health, and help break the stigma around it. That got me thinking of my sweet guys, and in re-reading a few of the fics, I realized that I had unconsciously given one of them a few of my anxiety traits without noticing. It set the stage perfectly for this one (I was originally going to write a random one-off for it, but everything was already there. Who knew!)
> 
> Hopefully it makes sense - you will understand better if you've read the previous installments. And yes, there is lots of repetition for some specific words/themes, it is intentional. 
> 
> As per the tags, there is talk of anxiety and panic attacks. Now, I don't know how 'trigger-y' it would be, but you know. If you would like a general synopsis of what happened, drop a comment below, but there is little 'plot' per se, in this one.
> 
> I'll see you at the end, for a few more comments and explanations.

“Steve, sweetheart, you’re ok. Everything is fine. I love you so so much.” Tony whispered in his ear as he held him in his arms, rocking gently back and forth, as they sat on the kitchen floor. “It's ok, baby, I’m right here. Not going anywhere. Love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, you know that? We've got this, okay, love? Everything will be fine. I promise, we are going to get through this. I’ve got you. I will always be there for you.”

* * *

_November_

If Steve was being honest, there were days he regretted leaving his job. Sure, the circumstances around his departure had been fully justified, and he would make the same decision again in a heartbeat. But sometimes… he missed that feeling of being wanted and needed and useful at work. He liked feeling useful and needed, having a place to go to every day. It was still a job, and it had its ups and downs, but he prided himself in his work ethic and how his colleagues came to him for advice and help. It was getting harder to get out of bed in the morning, his half-marathon training being one of the few things keeping him going, and the mornings Tony stayed over were always great too.

That was part of why he had booked that interview, even though he had said he was going to wait until the new year before getting back to work. He had not expected the interview to be with Pepper for a job at _Stark Industries_. He was already so nervous, having not had an interview in years, and now his anxiety had spiked through the roof when he realized what was happening. He managed to stay calm. He was only partially embarrassed when he recounted the tale to Tony and spoke with Pepper. He was mostly mad and annoyed at himself for not stopping the interview before it started. If he hadn't known Tony, he was sure there was no way a company like _Stark Industries_ would interview him, let alone hire him, right? He didn't have enough experience and he wasn’t as good as other graphic designers, even at _Wired._ He tried to let the thoughts leave his mind, but they kept bothering him.

“What if I’m never good enough?” Steve asked quietly when he knew Tony was awake after they woke up from a nap.

“What?” Tony asked, shifting so he could look at Steve.

“What if I can't find another job cause I’m not good enough.”

“I have no doubt you will find something perfect for you. You are an amazing artist, sweetheart.”

“I really don't feel like I am.” He pulled Tony in closer again, hoping the feel of his skin against his and the smell of his hair would ground him, but it wasn’t working.

“I hate to disagree, but in this case, you are so so wrong. You will find something that makes you happy and fulfilled, and showcases just how great you are, I have no doubt.”

“Thanks for believing in me. It sure doesn’t feel like much good is coming out of this right now.”

“Yeah... I know you said it wasn’t for me, but it still feels like I am responsible for it all… You are a good man, Steve Rogers. I am so lucky to have you in my life.”

Steve let the words wash over his anxiety, pushing it down to the back of his mind, as he chose to believe Tony's words. Everything would fall into place.

***

_December_

His alarm rang, and he hit snooze. He rolled to the side, finding the cool sheets instead of the usual warmth of his boyfriend, and he felt a pang of sadness. He dozed off a bit more, hitting the blessed button 3 more times before giving up and turning the alarm off completely. At some point in the 40 minute window of delaying getting out of bed, he'd grabbed Tony's pillow and was holding onto it for dear life.

In the past few weeks, getting out of bed had felt like a chore. He got up and followed his routine, but not with the usual satisfaction that came from running and training, at least. He told himself it was cause he wasn't used to sleeping in the penthouse, or the bed was different, so he must not be sleeping as well, but truth be told, he had started feeling the heaviness settle before he had moved in to Tony's place for the reno project. Most mornings, the thought of Tony being in his arms when he came back from his run was the only thing getting him out of bed. With the brunette on the other side of the country, there was really no motivation left.

He slept until his phone rang, almost letting it go to voicemail. He picked up and heard Tony's voice and he could feel some of the heaviness dissipate. That sweet voice always managed to brighten his mood, if only a little that morning. They chatted a bit, Steve making up an excuse for why he was still sleeping. He hated not being completely honest, but he also couldn’t quite explain this. Besides, he would be fine by the time Tony was back, so no need to worry him for nothing.

They hung up, Steve rolling around in bed, unsure what to do next. With Tony's voice gone, he gripped the brunette's pillow tightly again, let his eyes fall shut, and let the heaviness he felt in his body take over.

He slept until JARVIS woke him up at noon, and he only got out of bed because he had messages from Bucky, Nat and Jillian that pulled him out of his funk just enough.

***

_January_

“Did you get my flowers?” Tony asked as soon as he answered.

“I did, was calling to say thanks. They are beautiful, Tony, seriously.” Steve replied, eyes locked on the giant bouquet – a replica of the flowers they'd had on their wedding day. “Do… do you really think I can do this?” Steve asked after a pause.

“Fishing for compliments, are we?” Tony asked with a chuckle.

“No, I’m serious. What if I can't do this?” Steve's voice had dropped, uncertainty creeping in. He'd been thinking about it for the past few days, trying not to let his thoughts get the better of him. It had still led to broken sleep and more morning sleep ins.

“I would never have suggested you go through with this idea if I didn’t think you could do it, Steve. You've got help for the business side, Jilly has a few clients for you already, and you truly are a brilliant artist. I have no doubt you can do this.” Tony's voice was confident and sure, but Steve's mind was still casting doubt.

“You're only saying that cause of your wedding vows.” Steve mumbled.

“You would have a point, but you seem to forget I found that place and we discussed this before we got married. So no, this is 100% genuine belief that Steve Rogers is a fucking rockstar.”

Steve took a shaky breath in. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

“You are welcome, my love. Kick some ass in your first meeting, okay? I love you.”

“Me too. I’ll call you when it's done.”

They hung up, Steve feeling a bit more confident, and better able to quiet his mind. He got settled at his desk, pulling up the file he had created for his first client, someone named Justin Hammer. He had the pictures of the location he wanted commissioned on his computer and mirrored them on the larger touch screen Tony had insisted he needed for this very purpose.

He had his ideas and plans laid out and was ready to go when he heard the door open, his client had arrived. Steve greeted the man, exchanging pleasantries.

“That is one big bouquet,” Hammer commented as he walked into the space.

“Yeah, my husband can be a bit over the top sometimes,” Steve chuckled.

“Dated someone like that once. Always felt like they were trying to overcompensate or impress others more than it was for me,” the man replied in passing, giving Steve a strange feeling, like it wasn't such an innocent comment. He tried to let it slide, but it nagged at him. “I recognize that place!” Hammer pointed to the screen with a smirk. He studied the screen intently until he turned to Steve, looking appalled, and asked, “Is that a _Starkboard_?”

“Um, yes. It is the same tech they use in many classrooms around the city. It's slowly making its way into boardrooms and offices too. The application was perfect for my type of work, so it was hard to say no.” Steve smiled politely. This guy was definitely pushing his buttons, whether intentionally or not Steve couldn’t tell. Steve was determined not to bring Tony into his work deliberately and it felt like this person was making damn sure he got tested in his resolve at every turn.

Steve steered the conversation back to the commission Hammer wanted, discussing sizing and colour palettes and timelines. When he pulled out a few sketches to get a feel for which style suited Hammer better, he was caught off guard when the man threw his phone over Steve's sketches and said plainly “I want that.”

Steve blinked a few times as he looked at the picture Pepper had circulated from their wedding – a beaming Steve and Tony in front of the skyline he had painted as the brunette's Christmas present. Steve cleared his throat before he managed to get words out.

“I’m sorry Mr. Hammer, that painting is not for sale, nor will I be recreating it. I can do something in a similar style. If you look at this -" But Steve was cut off before he could even pull his sketchbook out.

“Don’t bother taking anything out, I want that painting. What's the big deal, anyways? It's just a bunch of blocks and lines.”

Steve nearly broke the stylus pen he was holding. Who the hell was this man? He took a breath before reiterating his point that no, he would not be recreating the painting. The conversation was going in circles, and Steve could feel his anxiety creeping up. He tried to keep his expression neutral and professional, all while breathing as calmly but deeply as he could. He offered alternatives again, tried to talk through rational options as diplomatically as he was able, but Hammer kept pushing back, not taking no for an answer.

“I'm sorry, sir, but my answer remains. I’m sorry I won't be able to work with you on this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting in a few minutes.” Steve lied, needing to get the man out of his office.

“Sleep on it and send me your final answer tomorrow. The amount of people that would see your work in our office lobby would bring in clientele for you. Think about it.” He took back his phone and stomped out of the office.

Steve took a deep breath when the door closed again, his whole body shaking. He turned off the computer screen, unable to keep looking at the pictures. He needed to forget this meeting had happened before his anxiety escalated further, but the more he worked on distracting himself, the worse it got. He could feel the ball in his chest expanding, breathing not helping to keep it under control. He felt his face flush and the pressure build in his ears and nausea set in. He had to get out of the office. Now.

He put away his things and turned off everything in the small space. He grabbed his bag and jacket, trying to concentrate on all the small tasks and details to help keep his anxiety under control. When he got outside, he took in a few long, deep breaths, the cool air helping reset his mind. He walked home slowly, concentrating still on his breath and trying to focus on happy thoughts. He got to go out with Tony tonight to a gala, those were always nice. And, Tony would be home when he got back in a few minutes. The thought of his husband brought a smile to his face, and he tried to bask in that happy feeling.

The moment he stepped foot in their home, the anxiety and nausea disappeared. He'd be fine, this was going to all be fine. Soon, Tony was by his side, and other than worrying about taking care of him, which he hadn’t stopped doing since the previous week, he was able to relax a little. It was lovely to feel so loved by this man.

By the time they got to the gala and were on the dance floor, Steve had all but forgotten about the horrendous encounter with Justin Hammer. He let the thrill of Tony, tucked against his body, take over. He relished the feeling of Tony's heartbeat on the back of his hand – strong and steady. Tony had been feeling great, and while Steve had worried and fretted daily, feeling the thumping below his hand was reassuring. He was melting into Tony's embrace, finally feeling like himself again, when he heard the voice that brought back his anxiety tenfold. He tensed up automatically at the sound. He went through the motions, not fully sure what he was saying. He felt Tony's hand brushing against his side, and he concentrated on the movement, giving another polite answer, grateful Tony was doing most of the talking and also vaguely aware of Tony's harsh tone. He finally chimed in a final answer when he heard his name and left towards their table. He sat down sideways on his chair, trying to look composed – the last thing he wanted was to embarrass Tony at his own gala – but he could feel his chest tightening and his vision getting clouded.

“Fuck, I can't do this…” he huffed out, trying to breathe, but knowing how shaky it must be sounding. Tony started talking and he concentrated on Tony's words. His voice was soothing to Steve. It was love and safety and home. He rubbed Tony's hands as they spoke, the movement helping him focus. When he had calmed back down, and Tony had offered to leave early – a compromise because Steve couldn't bear be the reason he bailed on his own gala – Steve couldn't help but thank his husband. Even though he didn’t explain the full reason he was so grateful for his presence, the explanation sufficed. Tony's simple but genuine answer was all he needed to make it through the rest of the evening.

“Always.”

* * *

_Present_

Steve knew he should have gotten up and gone with Tony to his appointment. He could not muster the willpower to move though. He had laid there and debated it in his head until the very last possible second. He just couldn't do it. And now all the thinking had given him a headache. Tony had brought over some Advil and a glass of water and kissed him sweetly before heading out. He did not deserve that man. Not when he was too broken to even get out of bed and go with him to an important appointment. What was wrong with him!?

Steve took a deep breath, or as deep as he could manage, before taking the Advil and rolling back to his side. He knew why everything felt so hard and heavy today. He knew that Tony's appointment was too much for him to handle. He had barely kept it together the last time there was a medical emergency. He didn't want to imagine what the results would be. What it could mean. And what he could lose. Because the last time doctors and hospitals were involved, he lost the person he loved the most, and that thought, right now, was going to send him spiralling quickly.

He managed to fall back asleep for another hour or so, getting up and heading straight for the shower. Everything felt automatic. Mechanical. His brain wasn't really thinking of what or why he was moving, he just did it. He didn't think of Tony or where he knew he was. He concentrated vaguely on what he needed to do to get out of the door and to his office. Maybe painting and sketching for a bit would help. He went through all the motions, letting his mind wander aimlessly – but never too far off what he was doing, and never full feeling what his thoughts were feeding him.

In the end, leaving the house had proved to be a mistake. The walk to the office was painful – he hadn't run in weeks now and he felt it. And setting up to work was tedious and just not enjoyable. He mostly sat and stared at the blank canvas, then a blank sheet of paper. When he could not force himself to do much more than doodle some squiggly lines, and flowers, and a heart that made his breath catch, he moved to the tablet, finding it was no better source of inspiration. Thankfully, Tony messaged him saying he was home. They went back and forth a few times, Steve realizing he planned nothing for dinner and feeling like the worse husband ever in that moment. He sunk on his chair, covering his eyes with the heels of his palms, trying again to focus on breathing. Why was everything so damned hard?!

He gave up, packed up his things and headed home. When he stepped foot on the sidewalk, he spotted a TMZ reporter waiting for him. He tried to ignore him, he did, but how can you ignoring someone throwing such personal questions at you. All lies, he had to believe, but still. Lies attacking his husband. His family. Steve picked up the pace, murmuring a _no comment_ , as he put enough distance between them that the guy couldn't keep up. Thankfully, he was alone by the time he reached home. This time, the sinking feeling he had in his gut didn’t go away when he walked in. He leaned on the back of the door after he shut it with a bit more force than necessary, eyes closed, just trying to breathe. He dumped his coat and shoes right on the ground in the entrance and almost jogged to the kitchen to grab water and sit down.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting at the island, head in his hands, when he heard his husband walk in.

“Hello darling,” Tony chimed in happily, wrapping his arms around Steve and kissing his hair.

“Hi,” Steve managed as a reply, voice rough. He let himself fall against Tony, the brunette pulling him in tightly.

“How's the headache? You still seem pretty groggy.” Tony petted his hair as he spoke.

“ ‘m fine. Just tired.” That wasn't technically a lie. He really was exhausted, but that wasn’t the whole truth either.

Tony held him a bit longer, a hand rubbing soothingly up and down Steve's back. The motion was helping to get Steve out of his own head, the warmth of Tony's body soothing and grounding him.

“I noticed you haven't seemed like yourself lately, darling. Is everything ok?” Tony asked cautiously, softly, not stopping his motion or letting go of his husband.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Might just be coming down with a cold or something. Plus working again… it’s just tiring I guess.” And there he was, not explaining anything again.

“Makes sense,” Tony answered, not sounding completely convinced. “You know you can talk to me, right? Whatever is going on.”

“I know, hun. Thanks.” Steve turned his head slightly, placing a kiss over the closest part of Tony he had access to, which happened to be on his chest, right over his heart. “How was the appointment? What did Dr. Erskine say?”

“We don’t have to talk about that right now if you’re not feeling up to it, it can wait. We can go snuggle in bed instead?”

“No, I’m fine. I want to know.” Steve pulled back just enough to look at Tony. He knew he probably still looked tired based on the crease on the brunette's forehead when he saw him.

Tony gave him another kiss before letting him go and taking the seat next to him. “We won’t have the official results of everything for a few days still, but the arrhythmia is still there. Essentially, every now and then, my heart beats too slow.” He intertwined his fingers with Steve’s as he spoke, choosing his words carefully as he went along. “Doc is convinced it is mild enough that it will be ok with just meds. That’s what we're waiting on the rest of the test results to confirm – that it is mild and won't need anything further to correct it.”

Steve looked at Tony and nodded, not sure what to say.

“I'd be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit freaked out by the other options,” Tony continued, looking their hands now, “but Doctor Erskine seemed very confident about his diagnosis and I trust him. I’m trying not to think the worse on this one.”

“Do I want to know what the other options look like here?” Steve asked quietly.

“If we can't treat it with just meds, I might need a pacemaker…”

“I'm sorry, what now?” Steve couldn’t help the panic that seeped into his question.

“I know, it's scary to think of, but right now, everything is fine. I don't recall having any symptoms, so it seems we caught it by fluke really. I would have had symptoms if it was something more serious, right? I dunno… I get it, I’m scared too, but it sounds like it's a pretty routine procedure - it's day surgery, actually. And it’s not happening tomorrow, we've got time -"

“But what if the doctor's wrong, huh? What if it isn’t mild, and this is serious, and something happens, and -" Steve had to stop talking as he felt his chest tighten.

“As soon as we get the results, if something is off, we will know and we will fix it, ok? I promise sweetheart, everything will be ok.”

“But you don't know that. You can't promise that!” Oh God, why was it so hard to breathe. Between the intense ringing in his ears and the tightness in his chest, Steve thought he might be sick. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing, why did he have to focus so damned hard on this all the time? What in the world was wrong with him?!

“Baby, I know. I know… I’m sorry to throw this at you, I wish I had more answers, but I have to believe this is going to be okay. Everything is fine, love.” Tony made a move to get up and wrap Steve in his arms again but before he could, the blond was standing and looking frantic.

“Tony, I can't lose you. I can't… oh God, I can't… no!” Steve was pacing a short distance in the kitchen, before he stopped and dropped to the floor, back resting on the island. “I can't breathe. Shit!”

Tony was on the floor by his side in seconds. “FRIDAY, can you keep an eye on Steve's vitals?” he called out to the AI. “Steve, love, I think you’re having a panic attack. Do you mind if I hold you, baby?” Steve crumpled into Tony, the brunette taking that as a sign he could wrap his arms around his husband. He grabbed Steve's hand and put it over his chest. “Try to follow my breathing ok, Steve? Don't need to do anything else right now. You’re safe baby, ok? I got you.”

Steve nodded shakily, focusing all his attention on the movement under his hand. It felt like hours before his breathing was back under control, or something resembling normal.

“I'm so sorry,” Steve whispered. “I… there's so much going on and I just… I can't take all of it. I can't shut my brain off. I’m so messed up, you deserve someone who isn’t a fucking mess, I’m so sorry…”

“You are not a mess and you have nothing to apologize for, you hear me? Not one thing.”

“I’m such a screw up, I’m sorry, Tony. I’m ruining everything…” Steve sobbed.

“Steve, sweetheart, you’re ok. Everything is fine. I love you so so much.” Tony whispered in his ear as he held him in his arms, rocking gently back and forth, as they sat on the kitchen floor. “It's ok, baby, I’m right here. Not going anywhere. Love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, you know that? We've got this, okay, love? Everything will be fine. I promise, we are going to get through this. I’ve got you. I will always be there for you.”

Tony continued to hold his husband, whispering how much he loved him, and making sure Steve knew he hadn't screwed up anything.

“Babe? Think you can move for me?” Tony asked as he felt Steve's breathing slow down. “I can't move you if you fall asleep and we'll be comfier on the couch, yeah?”

It took some coaxing, but Steve finally moved out of Tony’s arms and let himself be guided to the couch a few feet away. He settled easily, curled into Tony's side.

“I’m sorry for all this, I don't -"

“Shhh… I meant it; you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, I should be apologizing for not seeing how much you were hurting sooner.” Tony kissed the top of Steve's head, letting his lips linger in the soft golden hair. “Get some rest, love. We can talk about it later. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Thank you,” Steve lifted his head to kiss Tony.

“I love you,” Tony brushed his nose against Steve's, making the blond smile. “Rest, sweetheart.”

“Love you too,” Steve mumbled as he settled back, sleep taking over quickly.

Tony finally relaxed when Steve was fast asleep. How had he missed how much Steve was hurting? He let his head fall into the mop of blond hair below him, tears now rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t move for a few minutes, just holding Steve, his sweet, loving husband. Tony should have brought this up sooner. He should have known.

His phone chimed from his back pocket, startling the genius. He shuffled as gently as he could, even if he didn’t think an alien attack on their house could wake Steve right now. He answered Happy's text telling him he would be over shortly with his meds and asked if he could grab them dinner somewhere. He felt bad asking, but he promised Steve he wouldn't leave him, and he felt that even going to answer the door for takeout right now might break that promise. Happy replied quickly that he'd be there within the hour, food in hand.

He let his head fall to the back of the couch, his mind wandering. The more he thought it through, the more it made sense that he wouldn't have noticed Steve's behaviour at first. He himself had been a master at hiding his feelings from Rhodey and Pepper, he should know better than anyone how that felt. He always thought he was sparing them. He didn't want them to worry about him, they had their own issues to deal with after all. Over the last few months, both him and Steve had had to deal with so much, he wouldn't be surprised if that was why his husband hadn’t shared how he felt. He still felt guilty for not recognizing all the stress Steve had been under during that time. He should have been more attentive, should have realized it was too much. He sighed as he realized this was not helping either of them.

The warm weight of Steve curled into him and his rhythmic breathing quickly lulled Tony to sleep as well. He woke up when Steve shifted and groaned.

“Why do I feel hungover?” he heard Steve mumble into his chest.

“I always wondered why it felt that way too.” Tony stretched and spotted the takeout containers on the coffee table in front of them. He saw a text from Happy containing a picture of the men fast asleep and smiled. “We should get that framed.” He showed the picture to Steve, who smiled.

“Cute. Thank Happy for the food, eh? That was nice of him" Steve was stretching awkwardly around Tony.

“Wanna eat now?”

“Yeah. That would be nice actually.” Steve made a move to sit himself up, but Tony stopped him.

“Stay right here, ok. I’ll go grab us what we need, and we can just stay eat here.” Tony pecked Steve's cheek; the blond having slumped back down onto the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

They settled themselves on the ground, backs against the couch as they ate the various pasta dishes Happy had brought them.

“I think Happy got one of everything at the restaurant. This is so good.” Steve mused as he devoured his plate. Carbs were definitely the best comfort food.

“It is really good, yeah. Feeling better?”

“Yeah, the hungover feeling is almost gone, and I’m much better compared to earlier. Tony, I just wanted you to know, I’m so sorry -"

“Let me stop you there for a second ok?” Tony put his fork down and turned to Steve, a fond smile on his lips. “I think both of us need to not apologize right now. I feel just as horrible knowing I didn’t see you were in pain and struggling, that I didn’t catch on… you do not have anything to apologize for, just like I know you would tell me it isn’t my fault for not seeing this sooner, right?” Steve nodded sheepishly. “I know exactly how you feel, cause I used to try and hide that shit from Pepper and Rhodey all the time. But, I want you to know that you never have to hide it from me. You can come to me with anything. I know you know that, and again, I know you probably just don’t want to bug me and add to my mental load, but I guarantee you, I will never feel that way. And I promise to do the same, okay? Even if it’s just telling you things are feeling too much and leaving it at that if you’re dealing with your own stuff, at least we’ll know… Does that make sense?”

“It does. All of it.” Steve smiled at his husband. “Thank you, for understanding this. Kinda wish you didn’t, cause it makes me sad to know you’ve gone through it too, but it helps in a way. Part of why I didn’t mention it is that… I just didn’t know how. There are just so many emotions and thoughts and feelings. It’s too much sometimes. I just don’t know how to put it in words.”

“If you want to try, if you think it’ll help, I’ll listen.”

Steve took a deep breath; thankful he wasn't struggling with that again. “It started months ago. Since then, things just feel heavy. And then the smallest things just feel like they’re too much because all together they just weigh me down. And that makes my brain go into hyper negative space… and then it's hard to not believe what the peanut gallery up there is feeding me. So that weighs me down. And then, throw in bigger things and… I feel like I’m drowning. Even good things make it all too much.” He stopped talking for a minute, eating a piece of garlic bread and frowning as he thought of what to say next. “I… when I get like this, I just don't want to get out of bed. That's why I’ve been sleeping in so much. It was easier when I had an actual workplace to go to: people expected me there, they counted on me, so I could at least use that to get me out of bed. The idea of you meeting me in the kitchen every morning after my runs was the only thing getting me out of bed most mornings when we were in the penthouse. Lately, even that made didn’t work…

“When you got hurt in the car accident, I couldn't deal with that because it felt like there were too many things happening around me, you know? And then I was mad that I was overreacting, but that peanut gallery just kept… well making me think the worst cause I remembered when we spent months in hospital with mom…” Steve stopped for a beat. “It was the last straw. Or, at the time it felt like it. Like there could be nothing else that I could deal with, but you were fine, so it wasn’t too bad. Then Hammer and the gala. I was just done. I’ve been on autopilot since then.

“I got nothing done at work today, cause everything feels so overwhelming. And when I left there was a fucking TMZ guy… and then the thought that I could lose you… that was it. That's my breaking point. The idea that I could lose the man I love, the person I have loved the most since my mom. Fuck. I can't…”

This time it was Tony who let himself fall into Steve's side. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thanks for listening. I don't know if that made sense or not, and things definitely still feel heavy, but not quite as bad either.” Steve rested his head on Tony's for a minute. “I think I need to call my therapist again.”

“If you think it will help, then absolutely.”

“Yeah, she was fantastic while we dealt with ma's treatments and after. I think it might help now too. There has been a whole lot that we've been through since May.”

“That is very true. That can't be normal, right?”

“I don't think anything you do is ever normal, babe.” Steve chuckled.

“Fair point.” Tony sat back up, looking at Steve. “Whatever happens, I will be by your side, alright? I will always have your back, and do not let Statler and Waldorf make you believe any different.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“As for what we were discussing before, if you want, we can meet with the doc if you think talking to him will help. You can also just stay away from that right now if your brain needs that. I don’t mind either way, ok? Whatever you need, you got it.”

“Thank you. I think I’d like to go next time, ask some questions.” Steve cupped Tony's face and pulled him in for a kiss. When he pulled away, he let their foreheads rest together, needing the closeness. “I love you so much.”

“Right back at ya, sweetheart.” Tony smiled and kissed him back. “We've got this - all of this - okay? We'll be fine. Wanna know how I know? Cause we’re going to do it together.”

For the first time in weeks, Steve actually believed things might get better again.

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are! Not going to lie, as I type this part out, part of my peanut gallery is telling me not to hit publish, this is stupid, etc. etc... So yeah, I'm Steve these days, but for different reasons.
> 
> Our little family life is being greatly disrupted by a million little and a few big things, and it is unsettling everything in my life. Most of the time, I have to stop and focus intently on breathing - which is why I repeat that so so often in here. I wasn't sure if I did a good job of explaining Steve's anxiety in general, anxiety attack after his meeting with Hammer, and his panic attack because, much like Steve explains to Tony, I have trouble talking about it, cause I don't know how to explain it. So while I wanted to write this, it also felt like I was not qualified to be doing this either, since I can't even put my own issues into words. Much like Steve I can't/don't want to get out of bed often (thankfully, that part seems to be a bit better in the last few weeks, finally! I thank finally having a bit of sunshine, and exercise). Everything feels heavy, like a giant snowball, you know? 
> 
> Now, why am I boring you with this? Just to talk! If there is one thing I noticed when I started reading these amazing fandom stories, and via the amazing Instagrammers I follow too, it is that so many of you are SO open about this and it warms my heart to see and read your stories - both fictional and personal - touching on all kinds of issues. I have truly learned so so much from them, and I am thankful for all of them, and all of you. So, while we are a bit early for Let's Talk day (because now that this is finished, if I don't post it, the peanuts will take over and I never will), I'm doing my tiny part. I'm here if you need to talk - I posted my Tumblr a few posts before, come say hi! And, thank you for reading along. I do believe that this little series has helped lift my spirits over the past few months, and I do want to thank you for reading along.
> 
> Now I'll stop cause this is beginning to feel like it should be a chapter of its own ;)


End file.
